'Common Tools Defined'

 below, a blog post originally from 2009

 This just in from my friend, fine furniture builder and local wit Steve Holman of Holman Studios ... It came to his inbox and he forwarded it to me and I forward it here to you ... enjoy ...

Begin forwarded message:

COMMON TOOLS DEFINED

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly- painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh!#..."

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN * x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip outPhillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

those dam beavers!

 i had forgotten about this blog post until i stumbled across it while 

looking for some fishing pictures this morning ...

You’ll probably enjoy this, especially if you are from  Pennsylvania.

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the PennsylvaniaDepartment of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter, you won't stop once you start.  This guy is good! SUBJECT: DEQ ... File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County Dear Mr. DeVries: It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2010. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions. Sincerely,  David L. Price District Representative and Water Management Division.  Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:  Re: DEQ File No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County Dear Mr. Price, Your certified letter dated 11/17/09has been handed to me. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania . A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.' I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.) I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names. If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump! Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office. THANK YOU, RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

get a circus

so, i'm not much on mixing politics and business, 

but this is a little more like mixing art and business .. 

kit and i were watching the news of the comey firing tonight, and i reached into my 

pocket to show her the new beriah wall token our mutual friend pete brought

me from red hook yesterday.  the sentiment is perfect.  

beriah has been making and handing out free these tokens for a long time,

and his art has been featured in the new york times.

recently he paired up with the well known graffiti group smart crew collective.

there is a description of that collaboration and a brief history of beriah's

token distribution, worldwide since 1977, at this link ... 

we've got a little token stash, accumulated and passed on throughout the years .. 

as well as some pottery beriah made in the early 70s that
 we have been using for almost 46 years now.

beriah's pot shop was our neighbor in our first apartment
together in manchester in  1971 ..

beriah also has a show of his paintings opening next Saturday, 

May 13, Peninsula Art Space, 352 Van Brunt Street, Brkln.

check it out if you are there ... 

couldn't be truer today ...

best promotional pen !!

you don't get one of these in the mail every day !!

best unsolicited free pen yet ..

Capital Letters

I stand corrected, if only for this particular blog post.
My Uncles have all passed on, but I would

be appalled to miscommunicate ANY information regarding
my friend Jack and his horse.

 I plan to use CAPITAL LETTERS for at least 

the next hour or two ... Beyond that, probably not so much.

Your friend,

Dan

The New Year

in the spirit of recycling, i give you a reprint from new years' time, 2011.

Ahhhhhhh.... I always think of the New Year as kind of a blank slate .... I know it's just another day/week/year coming up, but I like to think I can start anew and correct little things in my personality that irk me. Hasn't happened in the past; probably won't happen this year either. I did, actually, even though everyone else had a paid holiday, spend some time today organizing my office and getting my job list on my whiteboard, but, why is my bench always such a mess .... Where is that thing I had in my hand not TWO seconds ago? Why oh why do I hate Quickbooks Pro 2010 sooooo much? Why don't I have a proper tool cabinet of my own after 35 years of doing this when everyone else in the shop is so orderly? This is starting to look like a list of new year's resolutions and maybe it is ... We'll see ... My wife Kit is finally getting a real bureau as we speak, after about 5 years of me talking about it, so there is hope, maybe .... I leave you to ponder the above with me and also you can ponder the stuff below I scraped off my bulletin board recently ... Enjoy ... Don't go too deep with it ... It's light stuff ... Click the images to enlarge them ....
I had a wonderful conversation the other day with an old friend about the current vagaries of the custom work business ... the slow pay .. the almost order that takes as long and is as complicated as the real order, the lack of choice caused by the lack of demand, and it all boiled down to cash flow. Things do seem to be picking up though recently, (dare I even say it????) The above quote from Paul Downs, a Philadelphia furniture maker who was interviewed a few years ago by, I think, Woodshop News is a true thing. His quote above resonated with me as it has been the back story of my 31 years in business ... So true ... We like the 'craftsmanship', but we also need to do the money stuff. ... almost everyday ...
Error and Trial .... We often say we work from one recovery to the next ... No mistakes, no progress.
'We don't know' .... in some ways, another part of the story of my life ... listening for inner voices .. I'd like to write some this year about 'creativity'. Where do ideas/designs/processes come from? Can you teach other people to 'have' ideas? I'm interested in your thoughts ... Comments?

Failure to failure, one recovery to the next ... obstacles into opportunities .. variations on a theme ....

More on having ideas above... We do know,however, that every idea is not a good idea ... 

Then there are a few humorous ones ...

I love Roz Chast ... she often has her finger on the pulse of the thoughts in the back of my mind.How can you not buy that painting after a good ad like that ... ?

A little Zen .... I guess this means that hings are just as they are, regardless ... 'Who can tell how events will be transformed?' Indeed ... I love this story .. It's from the reference section of the Steven Mitchell translation of the tao te ching. It also, along with the one below, has the most thumbtack holes in it and I now can retell it almost verbatim ...

Tom Peters gave me this one one day when I was complaining about teenagers (Will, I think) ... Nature? Nurture? Coincidence? All Of The Above? Who knows?

Good thing ...

The Moby Dick guy .... Hand lettered and posted by the time clock for about a year by yours truly .. Everyone should memorize this one ...

Jim Harrison ... another favorite ... 'ready and attentive' .... love the concept ...

And, I would have written you a shorter blog post too ...

worst case scenario

i just received notice that an installation originally scheduled for november 

and then january, has been postponed to mid february .... 

just after, i passed this new yorker cartoon that is on my office bulletin board

and had a little chuckle.

the S.A.T. for adults ..

i thought this was pretty good ... 

click the photo to enlarge it ... i still flunked it though, just like 48 years ago ...

Retinal Cryoplexy ...

Click the above to read the gory details ... 'irritated tissue', I guess ...

Last Thursday, for the second time in 7 years, I was diagnosed with a detached retina. I had two episodes back in 2003, and it was, again, in the same eye. I had eye surgery yesterday, (Retinal Cryoplexy, FYI), and it went well. It's an astonishing technology .. The surgeon first examined every corner of my eye with a lens thing and a million watt light, which was no picnic in itself. Then he took a little (+/- 1/8th” diameter) probe with a tube that he snaked in behind my eyeball, pushed a pedal, circulated some liquid nitrous oxide through the probe, and froze the s*** out of the back of my eyeball, creating an instant excruciating ice cream headache ... Then he did it again ... Today, right now, 28 hours later, I feel and see normally again. No pain.... This technique could easily eliminate any need for waterboarding, ever. I would have told him ANYTHING if he had threatened to do it a third time. Appropriately, Kit made some sockeye salmon for dinner when we got back home ... All’s well that ends well, but don't try this at home ...

You Can't Leave Em Alone For Even a Minute

Will and I went home for lunch the other day and when we got back, Trevor had us rolling in the aisles with his new Halloween decoration. He was in the middle of a big mdf run and had an extra piece so he whipped this up for the kids in his neighborhood ... He says he has some glossy white spray paint for the full effect ... BOOOOOOOOOO ! ... Loved it

Mr. Lucky ....

Towards the end of the day today, the boys cleaned up for the weekend and Jim and Sam did their usual dumpster run. Lo and behold, ... jackpot ... A good week for Lucky Jim .... Today he found this coat and claimed it all for himself ... I mean, what can a person possibly say about this .... I'm speechless ... I pay people to work here?
Click the pictures for the full effect ...
Earlier in the week he came with a winning lottery ticket. He swears he has NEVER bought a $10. ticket before but 'just felt lucky'. He won $20. on the first ticket, put 10 back in his pocket, bought another and instantly became a $500. winner. Had to go to the bank to cash it in and had to buy muffins for all this morning ... He called it his 'share the wealth' program.
The president of good attitude strikes again ...

A Little Humor For All You Chair Builders Out There

Instructional Video on KungFu chairbuilding

New Business

I'm not sure I can help this guy, but if any of you woodworkers out there want to contact him, I'll give you his email address ...

"Dear Sir,

Let me start with saying that going through your website was an
interesting adventure based on the pleasant looking pieces of
furniture, unparallel designs and craftsmanship found.
But sir, selecting your company out of the hundreds of furniture
makers around is more interesting based on the fact that we do not
want any disappointment.

Therefore, satisfying our quest is the most interesting of all. Can we
count on you; for well-crafted and durable pieces of 3-drawer bedside
chest, a dresser and a mirror/kitchen cabinet?

I will strongly suggest that you send down your printed catalogue
through post. This will go a long way in stressing your potentials as
well as helping the aged who can not expose their eyes to websites.

I look forward to reading from you.

Kind Regards
David. "

When You Know You're Working On The Right Job ...

Some folks just have to do an extra special job no matter what it is they're doing. We just finished installing the library cabinets in the previous post and I knew I was working on a classy jobsite when I visited the porta potty ... Landscaped and everything ... I missed the best shot yesterday before they dug the trench for the electric. I have photoshopped in the original gate post .... Nothing but first class all the way .... And, the finest porta potty yet ... spanking clean with a Purell hand sanitizer dispenser ... Click the picture ...

Gotta Get Me Some ....

From this week's New Yorker ... Sept. 14, 2009

THE FAMOUS HAMMER JUGGLER !!!

So, you've never seen the hammer juggler? You really shouldn't miss him. This video's been going around for a year or so but I forgot how fun it was until I had to show it to some friends last night. 52 unbelieveable seconds .... Check him out ...
Here's the link

Economy slow? Time on your hands? Practice that for a while.

Deer Camp Windchimes

With rifle season fast upon us, be prepared by ordering one of Sam's special new 'Deer Camp Wind Chimes' for the back or front porch. Quietly soothing, back to nature sounds of clinking 30/30 shells .... Click the photo for a close up view....

You just can't beat the brassy sounds ..... and it'll go great with your new Vermont belt buckle. Call Sam today to order either at 802-325-2073 or 802-867-5541 or email him at sam@dorsetcustomfurniture.com ........ Immediate supply is (somewhat) limited ...

Golf

Just so you know .... My life is not all woodworking and writing this blog. I read, a lot, actually, and mostly not about woodworking. And play tennis, and, this summer, play golf. Mostly I play with the previously mentioned Bill LaBerge at the local Lake Saint Catherine Country Club where we literally 'tear up the course' as often as not. Today is Bill's birthday and we plan to head out after lunch. Since I have previously loaned him Carl Hiiasen's 'Downhil Lie; A Hacker's return to a Ruinous Sport'. I thought a birthday golf post would be just the thing for him. It's from John Updike's 'Golf Dreams', quoted without permission, but with the intention of encouraging you to buy the book or get it from your local library where I got my copy. Golf writing, in the right hands, can be extremely entertaining; more so, at times, then the game.
Click on the entry below so you can read it ....